Q: What are five going green tips for life you’d give guys who think eco-stuff is for wimps?
A: First, make friends with a guy who tears down buildings. My Dad is friends with a guy who does that in Akron; he’ll be tearing down a school with gargoyles and stuff and thinks it’s all garbage. My Dad takes a gargoyle home and makes an incredibly gorgeous sculpture out of it.
Second, learn how to landscape with a machete. Instead of firing up the chainsaw and using gas to trim the branches, use the machete to hack a path. Plus, you’ll look so cool sharpening it with a stone. Sit on the front stoop with a toothpick and sharpen your machete and you’ll never be f—– with.
Three, shower less frequently. You can tell your wife that you’re saving the earth.
Four, ride a motorcycle. It saves gas. My wife has always been anti-motorcycle, but she brought it up recently. If you ever wanted a motorcycle, now you can do it with a moral imperative.
Five, conserve water by drinking your whiskey straight.
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